17 Nov 2013

Went to a family’s house warming party today. This is what I look like when I go out – hat sunglasses and hair down. It’s bloody hot nowadays, but I don’t dare to take off my hat and sunglasses. Hope I can tie up my hair and enjoy summer soon… arms raw, sore and red from scratching last night. Same with waist, weeps crazily every night….




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20 Nov 2013

A very depressing day. I have so much dead skin over eyes, my eyes is just a line




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21 Nov 2013

My arms were all pimply before and after scratching all the pimples are gone and now a big red rash. I scratch it each night and it weeps crazily and next morning it’s red and sore : Same with chest and waist area




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26 Nov 2013

Still lots of dead skin around eyes and can’t see shit u can tell from the thin censors across my eyes in the photos. hands healing well but “paper cuts” on fingers are very sore and hard to do any housework and looking after kids is annoying esp nappy changing time and bathing




Chest is red and rashy. Very itchy. Neck is still very itchy but doesn't flare anymore.




Arms drying up! Really? Are you really drying up? Pleaseeee do!




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2 Dec 2013

Dead skin is finally off my eyes! U can tell my the bigger censors in the photos across my eyes haha

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8 Dec 2013

Today is my darling baby’s birthday he is turning 1! Things are also looking a lil better on my face so… smiley day



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9 Dec 2013

ok I'm bad. i slapped my face again so it’s raw again




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13 Dec 2013

One day with no sleep. OK I can handle it. One week. OK, it’s still bearable. One month….. Five months now…. I’m still doing it. How hell am I doing it? I dunno. Sometimes I just can’t function and break down crying on the kitchen floor near the end of the day. Thinking why me? I’m so fucking tired! I just want to sleep why can’t I sleep? It’s something so simple why can’t I do it?! I’m soooo fucking tired. Can’t I just be myself and sleep and sleep and sleep and be selfish for once? I haven’t even washed my bed sheets yet but I have to wash my boys bed sheets first, I haven’t cleaned my room yet, but I have to clean the rest of the house first, I’m hungry and wanna eat, but I gotta cook and feed my baby first. I’m so tired…….
I still have a lot of anger in me. I just can’t release it sometimes. I feel like I’ve been fucked around by doctors and being naïve for the past 20 odds years. I am not going to let steroids fuck up my life again after TSW is over!


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15 Dec 2013
My cataract is becoming worse. It’s been harder to see things lately. I can’t wait till my face heals so I can do cataract surgery. I increased my 5htp dosage to 600mg. it’s the maximum dosage I think. Studies have only used up to 600mg so I can’t increase it again. The last 2 nights sleep has been much better. I still do wake up several times and scratch heaps but still I manage to take longer naps I think. This morning I woke up dry, not weeping and not in pain n sores! I felt good. Just not enough sleep. I think I need to take the 5htp earlier so I can sleep earlier. my arms are finally healing, a lot of new skin is coming out, same with chest and back. FINALLY! For about 2 months I was scratching every night till my skin is raw and weeping. I woke up with no sleep, raw sore skin, and wet body. I hope these days are over…but I’ll just keep calm since TSW is always 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards. Every time I see improvements, I get my hopes up and BAM something bad happens. Doesn’t TSW train us well in keeping calm? Man doesn’t TSW train us well in so many aspects in life! Even tho it’s the more horrible thing in the world when it happens to us, but we do learn lots and have a new perspective in life and health afterwards, for the better. I’ve notice I’ve started to get little hives where my good skin is. oOoOOo… sign of healing? Cos I know Juliana got those!! hehehe

Life has been busy, my baby just turned 1 last Sunday. If I wasn’t going thru TSW I would do a big party for him. I feel so guilty cos I did a big party for my 2 year old last year. Oh wells, mummy will make it up to u next year ok?! Promise! We still had a family birthday dinner and it was still wonderful. Baby also started daycare part time for 2 days! It’s been going well and it’s nice I can have some time to rest and do proper housework.

There have been days when I’m depressed I’m just fucking depressed. I find that I don’t wanna talk I need to just indulge in my depression for awhile and get myself out. When I’m depressed I am so selfish I don’t care about anything anyone I just need time to myself. If I stay selfish, I get more depressed. So for me to get out of my depression, I need to start focusing on others and be compassionate to others. Then things get better as I see others happy, they make me happy too.


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16 Dec 2013

More scabby dead thick skin is coming off my face. I’m trying hard to not really pick at it and definitely not slap my face. Still slapping forehead tho. The boys are at daycare today so I went out most of the day, dropping them off at daycare, getting my vaccine; going to north to pick up something then went to south to see my Chinese herbalist. he said things are going good, but there’s still a lot of dirty stuff in my system that’s why I’m sweating a lot, it’s a way of getting the toxins out. He said I still need to drink a few more of the current formula to clear out the dirty stuff then he will change the formula so that it helps my new skin come out. He said I might have scars but will have smooth and clear skin again. I not too worried about scarring cos I’m already pretty scarred from all these years.

Face dried up! and not as red now too. A good day! Arms and body have not weeped as much now. I’m waking up dry most days! yay!!





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19 Dec 2013
it’s nearly Christmas soon! I’ve done all my Christmas shopping for the kids and family. It was nice to go out shopping alone without my boys. Mothers will know what I mean. Even going to the supermarket alone is like heaven lol. I’m still sweating a lot. esp the neck area, underarms, chest, it’s crazy cos it’s summer and I needa wear a hat and sunglasses to cover my face to pick up my boys at daycare and I get super itchy in the car, then carry baby and holding my 2-year-old’s hand to cross the parking lot. It’s not easy, I have to keep my eyes on my 2 year old all the time cos he’s so active he will just run across the road and carrying a 12kg baby, sweating crazy already is another challenge in TSW.

I’m gonna book and do my cataract surgery hopefully this month if not next month, my vision is super bad at the moment, it’s affecting my daily activities. I hope surgery will be fine, I still have a bit of dead skin around my eyes but most of it is clear. I just have to do the surgery I don’t wanna drag it anymore. My mum has been busy so I have been picking up my boys from daycare again and I have been extra cautious driving with one eye….

I have a friend who recently is going thru separation with her husband and she is very upset and worried about her kids (husband has an affair and just left the wife and 2 kids). I went to visit her and encouraged her to stay positive. I know when u’re depressed u don’t fucken care about anything else. I showed her my blog and she was shocked to see my photos. I said, yeah it’s been tough, but listen to the news on radio, read the newspaper, watch the news on TV, there are billions of people out there more unfortunate than us. There is no point staying depressed, it’s not going to help the situation. So just look forward to be positive to make a new beginning. As I was saying that I felt a bit stupid since I’ve been so depressed during TSW. It’s always like this, I can encourage others to be positive but I can’t do it myself sometimes. Like the saying of doctors who can heal others but not themselves when they get sick.

Anyways, things are definitely improving; I’ve finally had family and friends who say ‘wow ur face is looking better’. Finally others are noticing and maybe starting to believe this TSW business. I probably won’t blog to the New Year unless I turn corners in my TSW journey and am too excited that I need to share it with u all lol. For the Chinese every year on Dec 22 ‘winter thanks giving’ is considered a new year already. I hope that day after is my turning point!

Have a wonderful Christmas and New Years everyone. Stay positive, after the worst is over, only the better will come! Hang in there warriors!

Much love
xxx
ahfaye