the days of living with one blurry eye

========== 10th of January 2014 ==========
font at size 48 drafting this
feel like such a oldie. even my mum doesn’t need such big text to see!
thinking back it was after I gave birth to my first boy in 2011 and started to notice why can’t I read close up?! ok there’s something wrong. some say they get bad vision after pregnancy so I thought ‘oh ok, that must be normal and correct itself’ but I still went to see a ophthalmologist to get some spectacles but after the examination, they diagnose me with posterior subcapsular cataract in my left eye. shocked, and they were too, as I was young to develop cataract and then the ophthalmologist said it was due to the steroids I have used over the years. he said it I didn’t realise I had bad vision all this time because I was so used to using my right eye only already. I didn’t need any spectacles and he advised to do cataract surgery when I am older. I didn’t understand why I thought maybe it was cos cataract surgery can only be done once in a life time or maybe it wasn’t thick enough then.

so since TSW my cataract has gone worse. to the point where I only see white light now and nothing at all in my left eye. I went to see another ophthalmologist just before Christmas last year and found out that my right eye has moderate cataract too. my left eye had sever cataract. sigh. ok surgery for both eyes then it was.
these days has been extra difficult going through TSW and doing things with one blurry eye. spilling formula and hot water when making milk for my babies. driving with one eye (yes I’m bloody crazy, but it wasn’t that bad…), cooking in lights even tho it’s daytime, using super large fonts on phone and computer, doing chores, washing dishes and not washing them properly… FML sigh

vision is so important. it's really pathetic how i would only truly appreciate my health when i have lost my vision and health temporarily. i can't imagine how it would be if i was blind. even being blind now with one eye is so hard and it's so uncomfortable at the moment. it's like u have milk in ur eyes and i only see white light. i keep blinking to try and get clear vision but it doesn't work and i strain my eyes open with the "good eye" (the one with moderate cataract) to see things. it's so tiring trying to work out what i see. the vision of my "good eye" are like seeing things in a glowy light now like lovey dovey movie scenes. guess that's the nice way to put it haha

can't imagine those who are actually blind and only see black in their life. salute to u all and admire ur strength to continue to live each day positively bringing in colours in your life.

losing my vision and health temporarily has struck deep realisation in how i shouldn't take everything forgranted when i wake up everyday.
accidents, sickness, death, starvation, you name it, the list goes on, happens everyday, every second around the world. i should be grateful i can wake up and see the world. i should be grateful i have a bed to sleep in the first place. there are so much people out there who are just trying to survive each day being disabled or chronically ill. so if i am more fortunate than others why should i complain and make use of my life and why not help others when i can? next time when people ask me to help i will do it straight away, why think about it? it may mean the world to them with me helping out. and if it was not genuine, oh wells, bad karma for u later, at least i created good karma. right?

being so ill this time has gifted me a sense of appreciation for everything.
my family, my friends, the things i have in my life. after i recover my vision, i hope i can spend more time with my parents as they are aging so fast, i hope i can capture the most memories of my children's childhood as they grow up very fast too. i hope i can go outdoors more to enjoy the nature. i hope i can stay active and healthy to continue my research career. i hope i can support my husband to finish off his dreams. i hope i can teach my kids to be a good person and be happy and follow their dreams.

on the other side it has also made me see with one eye who looks me down, who despise of me and doesn't believe and support me.
but i thank these people as you all have given me the fire to burn my motivation in life and to prove to you that you are all wrong. whether it was thinking i'm stupid about this whole TSW business or thinking
I can't finish off my thesis or i should moisturise or else "i will never have skin like a women again" (yes quotation marks that person actually used those words). the lack of empathy i got from some ppl really made me realise that at the end of the day, i am the only one striving through this journey. yes i have a lot of supporters out there who truly care about me but who's in pain? me. no one can share or take away my pain, i have to endure it myself at the end of the day. i have to deal with it myself. not u. ME.
so i have to believe in myself. i need to have faith in the things i do. i need to care about myself. i have to love myself.

========== 19th of January 2014 ==========

WOW i can seeee now! I can seee so clearly it's so weird actually. I can see so much dust and dead skin in my house argghhh!! The cataract surgery for me left eye went well. thank you for those who sent their prayers and thoughts to me Red heart

I have my right eye cataract booked coming Wednesday! I am so lucky to have my vision back for my left eye, it’s recovering well and lucky I can have it next Wednesday so soon. the dr is actually going away on holiday so luckily he could squeeze me in! so grateful for that as I just want to have full vision back and work on my thesis again it’s due very soon in June. My babies are at daycare full time on Monday Sad smile but I am very happy seeing them have fun, growing and learning each day there. So I have a few days to rest, clean the house, tidy up my work station etc before surgery.

Man it’s like I’ve swapped eyes now. before I was seeing things through my “good right eye” (moderate cataract) and now that I have HD vision in my left eye, I now know how blurry my right eye is! how the fuck did I do things in a blur all the time? omg, thinking back driving like that was so scary…

TSW side, I'm in MONTH 6 now. things were good for awhile, just after Xmas and New Years period. I was wearing shorts and t-shirts for awhile and suddenly a few days ago I started to flare. prettty bad red rashy ones at the back of my elbows and knees mainly. chest is a lil rashy too but not that red. so I have reverted back to long pants and sleeves now Crying face lucky it’s not as hot now as the Auckland weather has been playing up and raining quite a bit lately.  I'm not sure if it’s related to my severe sinusitis lately. it’s very bad, very itchy sinuses been slapping my face, forehead, bridge of nose again it’s crazy. got headaches from the inflamed sinuses too and thick yellow mucus! my asthma has been playing up too been using inhaler every night lately Sad smile my baby’s skin has also developed some rough patches, he’s not allergic to any food so I think it might be the pollens and dust in the air lately. hmm… dunno. anyway, it’s annoying!

I have hair growing back! it’s soooooo ugly I dunno what to do with it hahaha… I was saying to my sister and husband if I see those campaigns where u shave off all ur hair to support leukemia and cancer patients I might go and just bloody shave off all my hair!! see the photo below I’ve circled my hair growing back spots. this time round of TSW I didn’t lose my eyelashes. last time I did and I was very upset about that haha but this time it’s more ‘out there’ with my bald patches on my head and no eyebrows….sigh… but whatever mehhh! I actually felt sorry for the surgeon and nurses to see me like this and as they had to be extra careful to not hurt my facial skin with plasters etc they were so professional in handling me on the day of the operation. very friendly, only the surgeon asked about my skin condition (initial consultation time) and the local anesthetics on the day.

photos taken on 15th Jan 2015 on the day of my cataract surgery (before surgery):
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home after surgery:
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Next day after surgery, face looking better with more dead skin coming off:
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Arms flaring:
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Day out with family (Day 187):
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Flaring legs, arms and hands. OMFG now I can see clearly how wrinkly my hands are! Crying faceCrying faceCrying faceCrying face Crying faceCrying face Crying faceCrying face Crying faceCrying face 
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That’s me today! Day before my next cataract surgery for right eye tmr! Cheeks red because I have been scratching it Sad smile
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That’s it for now guys, take care and stay strong as always lots of love to u all!!!
xxx

-ahfaye-

Thank you for reading this post. I wish you great health, happiness and success in everything you do!

17 comments:

  1. 2-3 years down the road, I believe you will be amazed at what you have gone thru and how you would have turn out by the end. Great progress!

    Leslie

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    1. thank u Leslie!! wish i had more patience with this TSW tho! thanks for ur support xxx

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  2. There's definitely improvement ... you are going to look amazing when you are done with this journey. xxx

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    1. Thanks Andriette! i hope so after all this crap hahaha am a bit worried about being all wrinkly tho :( but it's nothing compared to going thru tSW itself!

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  3. Hi Ah Faye, so glad to know that your operation went well!! I caught a bad flu so didn't go online for a few days, and today when I saw your posting I was so happy! Hope your right eye surgery will go well too. As for myself, I am doing ok. Skin-wise is slowing getting better bit by bit, but the recent cold front and dry weather in HK just makes me feel very itchy, especially at night.
    Stay strong! You're always on my mind. My heart goes all the way to you and your family.

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    1. Thank u so much Brenda. hope u are better now and ur flu has gone. both my surgeries went well thank u! it's good ur skin is better. so are u taking TCM for it? yes night time itch is so crazy still for me :( u stay strong too hun!! xxx

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  4. Hi Affaye! Glad to read a new post.your story are inspired in my bad moments so thank you. you are supermum!glad to know more update about your story!

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    1. Thank you Budak! i'm glad my stories helped you a bit. thank you so much for the encouragement! stay strong together! xxx

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  5. So glad you are doing better! Your journey breaks my heart. I too had a bad cataract in one eye. My doctor told me it was the worst he ever seen and it was probably due to the steroid use. this was before I went through withdrawal. One good thing I have nearly 20/20 vision in that eye now. I am sending positive energy your way for healing. You are such a brave true warrior.

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    1. Thank you Danielle. It's great you restored your 20/20 vision! congrats on that. I have 20/20 on my right eye too now but need reading glasses for close up things. Are you still going through TSW? Thanks a million for your support xxx

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  6. Hi Ahfaye,
    I'm Dead Cat, we just met on ITSAN. Now I'm reading your blog... you're a warrior!

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    1. Thank You Dead Cat! Hope u will have a fantastic school trip xxx

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  7. Great post! Been reading a lot about this surgery. Thanks for the info here!

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  8. This post makes me feel so much better. I have surgery on Sept 22 and seeing that you had good results despite the flares, makes me confident that I will be okay. I do have one question... don't the surgeons typically prescribe steroid eyedrops during healing of the cataract surgery? Is this ok? How did you manage?

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    1. hi there it's great to hear that you have surgery booked and will have clear vision soon :) don't worry too much cataract surgery is very common and easy to do nowadays. the risk of complications is quite low.i did get prescribed steroid drops for risk of anti-inflammatory for 2 months after my surgery (1 month each eye). i could have not used it but because my TSW rebound was so bad around my face and eyes, I have extra risk of inflammatory. so I chose to use the eye drops as using a bit of steroids from the eye drops will prevent further risk of inflammatory and using more steroids (possibly oral) to calm the inflammatory. all the best for you surgery!

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    2. Thanks for your response! My worst flares are actually around the eyes, which scare me...but I would love to be able to SEE. Good luck with the rest of your journey! I enjoy seeing your forward progress.

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