accepting suffering & change

i prob would have gotten a diagnosis of having clinical depression when i was in TSW months 1-4, now i'm nearly 9 months in and i think i am the strongest i have ever been in my life. and i know i will only get stronger and calmer to deal with TSW and future crap that happen in my life. i train myself mentally to be stronger every day and i know it will be true, prob before i heal over TSW. i know it's hard to stay positive in the midst of our biggest and deepest sufferings, and it’s like the end of the world when we have TSW at its worst state at the beginning, or later in the months for some. For me I found that indulging in my depression just brought it deeper and deeper and it got to a point where I got lost and I felt like I couldn’t get out of this depression tornado that just keep spinning stronger and stronger. Lucky I had my family to pull me out, I had no choice but to keep looking after my toddlers, I had to at least bathe, feed them and put them to sleep. But that was like…. Fuck I can’t even function with these simple tasks I can only sleep! That’s all I can do actually. But no, I was not allowed. Motherhood did not allow this. I had to keep “mothering” no matter what. And that is something that I had a hard time accepting. Like what about MEEEE what about MEEEEE???!!! I have sacrificed a lot already, my career, my studies, my TIME!!!! can’t I just be selfish now?! Now that i’m very sick??! No sorry. You’re a MUM now. U can’t.
OK… this is actually a long time issue SINCE parenthood started for me. I just didn’t really dealt with it. I didn’t really accept the change. Since pregnancy, roles, life, time, diets, relationships…everything just slowly - or quickly - changed. My time is not just MY time now. My life is not just MY life now. It’s also my family’s. It’s the same with theirs. We are all deeply infused into each other’s life. I can’t be selfish anymore.
For me, depression is a self-indulgent in my own emotions, I keep thinking about myself, I feel sorry for myself, why me, I’m jealous of others who are normal or better than me…………Once I turn this around, when I don’t focus on myself, don’t focus on my emotions, when I focus on other people, when I just chat normally with others, be interested in what they are doing every day, show my compassion, try to help others, my depression… is GONE.
TRY IT. Focus on being compassionate to others
Spiritual or inspirational people in life. If you don’t have any. Go find some. Or one. These ppl make you grow into a better person. Motivates you do chase your inner dreams. Doesn’t waste your time. You always learn and feel great after the interaction.


Thank you for reading this post. I wish you great health, happiness and success in everything you do!

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